Life In The Midst Of Sorrow

There was a time when I had thought I had it all, life was perfect, I was happy, I had everything I needed. Or so I thought I did...I soon realized what I thought I'd had, had already been gone. Funny how sometimes you hold onto things thinking you are doing such a good job only to realize it's already slipped away and it's just imagination. Anyway...

Suddenly I found everything I needed was taken from me without even a warning sign (at least none that I noticed). The dream I had, I woke up to realize wasn't real and was never going to be. I begged and pleaded for things to change and go back to the way they were. The future i'd planned, I watched it just drift away with nothing I could do to stop it or get it back. 

I chased that dream future, looking for whatever I could find that would be like it, to replace it, so I could have that feeling again. I truly believed I wanted it, but maybe I just liked the feelings it gave me at the time.

For me it subconsciously was an escape, a way to not feel the way I was feeling. I thought I could "run away" and forget all my troubles and suddenly life would be okay. Maybe it was just the idea of it that I liked...I know that isn't right and I'm not saying this to say it was, but I'm sharing this so that maybe someone who has done the same can learn from my mistake and not make the choices I've made, I've come to regret them terribly

I can tell you with complete confidence that today I am living happy with who I am and what I've become but it has been very hard and there are times I would not do the same things over again 

I have used people not realizing I was actually using them, but I was searching for something...I wanted to be loved, I desired to feel wanted like someone truly cared and wanted me to be there and in turn I found the opposite. I thought I was useless, unloved, that I didn't matter, that I don't deserve all the things I was wanting, that I was wrong for wanting those things...I've come to realize now that wanting those things isn't wrong, we all desire to feel wanted and loved in some way...but at the same time we can't hurt others or do wrong to get it either. It's like money, yes we all need it and should try our best to get it, but at the same time we cannot steal just to get it because that is wrong. Needing the money isn't wrong, having the money isn't wrong, but stealing it...that's wrong

Well, anyway...I know this was a bit of a long post and maybe not very many people will read this, but my hope and my goal in writing this tonight, is that all the things I've learned, whoever is reading this to this point, will somehow find help and hope in the words that I've written. I must say good night now because it is very late (12:47 AM to be exact) have a good night!